What Makes Us Human
by xrowa-chanx
Summary: Eat it. Eat it they say. It's all Lavi hears and, though he knows they're only worried about him, he still can't seem to take their advice and move on. Change isn't always bad, but it's sometimes the hardest thing to achieve. Laven, AU. ON HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**Hey ~ This fic is probably going to only be a few chapters long, though I might decide to lengthen it one day, and is dedicated to all that help me through the day-to-day stresses that I go through - especially my girlfriend, friends, and family. I love you all *heart* This fic is loosely based from experience, though I have over-dramatised it and changed most of the events for obvious reasons.**

**Change isn't always bad.**

**WARNING: This story will contain material that some may find disturbing. I hope this isn't going to remind people of their own experiences but, if it does, I hope things are getting better for you.**

**I'm getting there... Slowly, but surely ^^"**

**Summary: Eat it. Eat it they say. It's all Lavi hears and, though he knows they're only worried about him, he still can't seem to take their advice and move on. Change isn't always bad, but it's sometimes the hardest thing to achieve. Laven, AU.**

**Warnings: T rated for self-harm, mental instability, language, and disturbing content. I did warn you.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own D Gray Man - it is owned by Katsura Hoshino-san.**

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_I'm tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears._

Evanescence - My Immortal

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What Makes Us Human

Eat it. Eat it they say.

It is easier said than done, in Lavi's case.

"Not hungry..."

The instant these words leave his mouth, he knows it won't make a difference. Glaring at him with harsh eyes his carer, and current force-feeder and lecturer, stood before him and shoved the plate of food closer towards him.

"You will eat it," Bookman stated, tone of voice harsh, yet not angry.

Lavi did not reply, looking down at his plate with what could only be described as a grimace. Before him on a plate lay a sandwich, an apple, and two small biscuits; it wasn't a lot of food at all, yet the very thought of eating it made Lavi's stomach clench uncomfortably.

"I'm not hungry, Gramps," Lavi said with a sigh, looking to the side. "Plus, I've probably caught that bug from Alma so eatin' isn't a good id-"

The sound of Bookman slamming his hands on the table made Lavi flinch.

"If you carry this on, I will send you to see someone," the old man muttered darkly, eyes glinting. "I won't see you waste away like this."

"Fine, I'll eat. But don't watch me do it - I ain't gonna throw it away or anything," Lavi answered, sounding subdued.

Hesitating, and not believing the red head for a few seconds, Bookman closed his eyes with a sigh and left the kitchen. Lavi let out a deep breath and looked back at his plate, pouting.

Trying to be slow, yet being unable to despite his fear of eating it, Lavi ate the contents of the plate before him. By the time he finished the apple, he really didn't want to eat anymore. But he knew Bookman would force him to clear his plate so, shuddering and regretting it, Lavi ate the two biscuits and got up from the table, sighing.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

_It's been nearly half a year since this all started._

_Gramps is starting to call me anorexic, but I ain't. Anorexic people have an issue with their weight and believe themselves to be fat._

_I like my weight, thank you very much. I have a sexy figure, damn you, and proud of it._

_I'm gettin' a little skinny though..._

_I guess having weight issues would make all this more justified, but it really isn't that. It's kinda a stupid reason; I know it is. But I can't seem to get rid of this irrational fear._

_I'm scared of throwing up._

_,,, Yeah, silly huh? I know nobody likes it, but I'm terrified of being sick so much that I've convinced myself eating less will somehow prevent me from puking._

_I study Biology, and I've come up with such a ridiculous solution to throwing up?_

_And it isn't just eating - I have sleep issues too now._

_It's getting to the point where I know I'll be sick, and end up in hospital 'cause all my reserves will be gone. Either that, or I'll go back to eating a stick of cheese a day._

_The nausea from starving myself was awful..._

_I don't wanna be like this anymore. I hate it. I'm worrying everyone around me, but it's too hard to change right now._

_And change ain't always good, ya know..._

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

"Get out of the god damn house already!"

"I'm going, I'm going! Jeez..."

Lavi had woken up late. Again. Staying up until five in the morning reading, then getting up two hours later, had left the red head feeling shattered, like he felt every morning.

Lavi tried to avoid looking at the mirror before him as he quickly got changed, trying not to look at how tired he looked, his heterochromatic eyes dull-looking and hazy. He tried not to look at how flat his stomach had become, or how noticeable his ribs were, or that his suit trousers now hung loosely around his waist.

Fluffing his hair up after pulling a loose polo shirt on, Lavi grabbed his school bag, quickly dumped his subject folders for the day in it, as well as his trusty mp3 player, phone, wallet and deodorant, and left his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

He practically legged it down the stairs, bag bouncing against his back as he did so, making him wince as a folder edge dug into his side. He gave Bookman a wave, despite the old man glaring at him so venomously, and ran out the door to get the bus.

Making it just in time, Lavi boarded the 14 bus into town, finding an empty pair of seats near the back, plugging himself into his mp3 player. Putting a SHINee song on, since Alma had recently gotten him into K-Pop, Lavi tapped his foot to Juliette and gazed out the window, trying not to fall asleep against the glass.

It only took half an hour or so to get to school and, soon enough, Lavi found himself getting off of the bus and heading into the school grounds. As he crossed the playground, a sudden wave of dizziness made the red head stagger, clutching his head. It soon passed and, ignoring the thoughts telling him why it was happening, Lavi carried on walking.

By the time he reached the place where he and his friends hung out, which was a small house the Sixth Form used to relax, Lavi felt like he wanted to curl up in a corner and sleep the day away. But, knowing that he couldn't get away with such a thing, Lavi resigned himself to a day of hard work.

"Morning!"

Lavi called out a greeting to one of his friends, Shifu, who was sitting in front of a computer nearby watching a K-drama.

"Good morning, Lavi," the Asian teen replied, giving the red head a wave and a small smile. "How are you doing today?"

"Really tired, but not that bad thanks!" Lavi answered, grinning despite how he felt.

Nodding and giving him a sympathetic smile, Shifu turned back towards his programme, leaving Lavi to curl up on one of the chairs and rest a little, eyes sliding shut before he could try and keep himself awake.

A sudden punch to the shoulder made the red head fall off of the chair, startled. Standing behind the chair, giving him his usual glare, was Kanda.

"Night-time is for sleeping, _baka usagi_," Kanda muttered, putting his bag down and sitting down in Lavi's chair before he could get up from the floor. "Stop slacking off."

"You're so horrible to me, Yuu..." Lavi countered, pouting. Kanda jabbed a finger into the red head's side, scowling.

"My name's not Yuu, you bastard!"

The poke hurt Lavi far more than it should have done, and he promptly ignored the look Kanda gave him when he flinched and held his side, eyes narrowing in pain.

The two of them were silent for a while, Lavi finding another seat and staring out the window, yawning periodically and trying to keep his eyes open, whilst Kanda busied himself on his phone, glancing up at his red headed friend every now and then as he did so.

Eventually, and rather tentatively for how Lavi normally acted, the red head met Kanda's gaze and gave the teen a somewhat awkward smile.

"How's Alma?" Lavi asked quietly.

"He'll live dumbass," Kanda answered, snorting a little. "He hasn't been sick since yesterday, so he'll be in tomorrow."

Lavi simply nodded, looking to one side again with a dark look in his eyes.

But Kanda didn't say anything, because Kanda never asked questions. Never.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

_When I first met Yuu, I really didn't like him. He was so cold and quiet, and acted like he had a permanent stick up his arse the whole time. And he would always glare at me whenever I laughed loudly, or made a joke about something._

_But then, one day, he noticed me throwing my dinner away. It was soon after lunch started at school, and I had tried to eat the plate of food, and given up after a few mouthfuls. That was when I was starving myself, and barely ate any food at all during the day._

_The nausea from not eating didn't help..._

_So anyway, Yuu saw me throwing all this food away, and I expected him to make a comment, like other people had done. But, instead, he shoved me out of the Cafeteria and dragged me into town, buying me a mug of green tea at a nearby Japanese café._

_He barely spoke a word to me, only telling me that the tea helped you feel better._

_But ya know what? I liked that. I didn't want someone nagging me about my eating habits, or acting worried about what I was doing to myself. It was nice to have someone there who would quietly help at the sidelines, not giving me sympathy and giving me a kick up the arse more often than not to try and help me._

_It's why Yuu's one of my best friends; he never asks questions. Never._

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

The lab was stiflingly hot when Lavi sat down for his Chemistry lesson, despite all of the windows being open. Lots of practical equipment were scattered around the room; they were going to be conducting an experiment.

All the tables around Lavi soon filled up, with three of his closest friends sitting on his own table; Kanda sat across from him, Doug sat to his left, and Johnny sat to his right. Alma usually sat beside Kanda but, due to him being ill, he wasn't in.

When their teacher walked in, the class fell silent.

"Today, we're going to be completing your qualitative piece of coursework for your AS," Mr. Tyki Mikk stated. "You will be conducting a titration with hydrochloric acid and an unknown concentration of sodium hydroxide. The explanation sheets are coming round now."

Giving them all nervous smiles, Lou Fa handed out the sheets, which everyone promptly read so they knew what they were doing.

"I hate titrations..." Doug mumbled, scowling at the piece of paper before him and sighing. Johnny and Lavi both nodded.

"I wish there was a less tedious way of doing it," Johnny said, adjusting his glasses with one hand as he stood up and tucked his chair in with the other one.

"Yeah, and I always manage to break those burettes..." Lavi added, laughing nervously as Doug placed one before him. Kanda rolled his eyes.

"The less you complain, the quicker it'll get done."

Nodding in agreement, Lavi stood up, put on some safety glasses, and began his experiment. The room was soon silent, apart from the quiet clinks of glassware as people prepared all their chemicals for the titration.

Just as Lavi was about to pour hydrochloric acid into his burette, a wave of dizziness made him stagger, though he luckily kept his hold on the beaker of acid. Putting the beaker down, and taking a few shaky breaths, the room spinning, Lavi carefully made his way to Mr. Mikk and asked to leave the room.

No-one noticed him leave, too busy with their experiments.

Lavi closed the door behind him as he left, taking a few stumbled steps towards the top of the stairs before sitting down, leaning against a cabinet behind him. He rested his head on his knees, trying to slow his breathing rate down as his vision continued to swim.

Eventually, after a few minutes, the dizziness passed. Lavi sat up tentatively, shaking and trembling like a leaf in a strong breeze. He had had worse bouts of dizziness before, but it had been a while since he'd had them.

Suddenly, the sound of someone coming up the stairs startled Lavi; it was Mr. Bak Chan. He was the Head of Student Supervision, and had seen Lavi on quite a few occasions, due to his problems.

"Are you alright, Lavi?" Bak asked, frowning as he saw how pale the red headed teen before him looked, and how his hands were shaking so violently.

"Just got a bit dizzy, that's all," Lavi answered, giving Bak a small smile. "I didn't want to drop any glass stuff in Chemistry, so I sat outside."

Bak said nothing. Wordlessly, he helped Lavi up and sighed.

And that's when Lavi fainted.

He had no idea that it was going to happen, finding his vision suddenly fading to black and the floor rushing towards him. When he next woke up, he saw Bak standing over him, calling for help. And beside him, sending him a disapproving look, was Bookman.

When Lavi sat up, rubbing his head and wincing, he noticed that he had been carried to Bak's office, the soft carpet underneath him making him want to curl up and pretend he was unconscious once more.

"Ah you're awake!" Bak called, racing to Lavi's side and sighing in relief. "You've been out for nearly half an hour, so I was beginning to get worried."

"Why're ya here, Gramps?" Lavi asked groggily, blinking a few times, eyeing his guardian nervously. Bookman shook his head slightly.

Left without answers, Lavi was given an ice pack to put on his head and was barraged with questions on how he felt. He felt light-headed, and his stomach was growling in a way that made Lavi feel sick. But, because he didn't want it to turn into an even bigger problem, Lavi said that he was fine.

After another half an hour of freezing the back of his head to reduce the swelling, and convince the others around him that he was fine, Bookman took Lavi out of school and towards the small car that he owned.

Bookman didn't say a word the entire journey back home, the tension so tangible between him and Lavi that the red head was beginning to wish he'd sat down a while longer to prevent himself from fainting.

When they arrived at the detached house where they lived, the road quiet and devoid of moving traffic, the light wind making Lavi shiver a little as he exited the car, he headed indoors.

"Get upstairs and sleep. I'll talk to you later."

With that simple statement, Bookman walked down the hallway and into the kitchen, which was the first door on the right. The sound of the door slamming behind him made Lavi wince, knowing he was going to get an earful later.

Sighing, Lavi walked to the end of the hallway, turning the handle of the door at the far left of the corridor and walking up the flight of stairs beyond it.

Opening the first door on his right, Lavi walked into his bedroom and slumped against the wooden door as he closed it, shutting his eyes and clenching his fists a little.

However, despite the mild panic and inner turmoil inside of him, Lavi wanted to sleep so badly that he could have dropped to the floor and slept there. Not wanting to end up with an aching back, Lavi took a few steps towards his bed and fell on it, falling asleep the instant his head hit the pillow.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

_There are times when I really wish this would all stop._

_I'm not sure how much I can take, and the dark thoughts that had been nearly permanent in my mind a few months back are starting to arise in my brain again._

_There's a reason why no razors or sharp objects or pills are kept in my room._

_When things were at their worst, when I was barely eating and on the verge of being sent to hospital, I tried to slit my wrists with a pair of scissors._

_Gramps just had to walk in as I was doing it, didn't he..._

_He totally freaked out, removing all sharp stuff from my room and giving me the longest lecture that I've ever had. I swore my ears were gonna fall off!_

_When he eventually finished, he booked me in for counselling at school and prayed that I wouldn't do it again._

_I didn't go to a single counselling session. Like hell I was telling a stranger my private secrets so he could label me and send me off to some mental institution!_

_And I didn't try and self-harm again, though I've considered it quite a few times since._

_I know it's selfish, and I know it wouldn't achieve anything but making my situation worse. But not being able to get myself out of the rut I'm in is so frustrating, and I can't seem to be able to let out this frustration that I'm feeling._

_Why try when I know it's never gonna work?_

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

The sound of a door opening made Lavi sit up abruptly in his bed; it was Bookman, looking resigned with a dark look in his dark eyes.

Knowing that he had no choice but to go downstairs and face the oncoming storm, Lavi quickly sorted his hair out and pulled on a warm hoodie before heading out of his room, following Bookman downstairs.

The dining room was quiet as Lavi and his guardian sat down, taking seats that were opposite from each other. The sound of the wooden legs scraping against the floorboards beneath them made Lavi flinch a little, his head pounding from his earlier fall.

"You know exactly what I'm going to say to you, don't you," Bookman said quietly, sliding his hands into the sleeves of his traditional Chinese shirt.

"Yep..." Lavi answered, avoiding eye contact and fiddling with the hem of his hoodie sleeves.

"So you know what? I'm not going to bother saying it."

This remark made Lavi sit up, looking Bookman in the eyes, blue and green meeting black.

"I'm tired of repeating myself to you, and it doesn't seem to be making any difference," Bookman explained. "So I'm giving up."

A cold chill flew down Lavi's spine at these words; they reminded him too much of the words his mother had said to him before she abandoned him, never coming back and leaving him all alone at home to starve before Bookman came on his monthly visit.

Lavi didn't like the tone of voice that Bookman had either; it sounded so dead and tired, like the old man had reached his limits. Was Bookman going to abandon Lavi like his mother had done, all those years ago?

"... What do you mean by that?" Lavi managed to ask after a while, hiding his trembling hands under the table so Bookman couldn't see them. The old man before him sighed and stood up, picking up an address book and flinging it across the table at Lavi.

"I'm sending you away, to someone who knows what they're doing," Bookman explained, ignoring the hurt look that had entered Lavi's gaze. "You will stay there until you have sorted yourself out. School will be put on hold until you come back. Your friends will be told, but they cannot see you."

Lavi didn't even pick up the book before him, clenching his fists tightly under the table, looking down at his lap and gritting his teeth.

Life was falling apart at the seams.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

_It's never a nice feeling, the feeling of being completely and utterly alone._

_There's no-one there to be there for you, and no-one to comfort you when you need someone there to hold your hand and tell you to keep going._

_All you have is your own will and self-determination, which is never good if you didn't have any in the first place._

_To be abandoned by Gramps like that... To be handed over to a complete stranger, just 'cause Gramps couldn't cope... To leave behind my school and home and life itself, just to sort out the problems in my head... I can't deal with it!_

_How is it gonna help me? How? How is the help of some bastard that I don't even know, nevermind trust, gonna sort out what's wrong with me?_

_It's like Mum all over again._

_I can still remember the darkness that surrounded me, the sight of my Mum crying and holding all her bags, running out of the front door and locking it behind her. I remember how I thought she was just going shopping, only to realise when morning came that she was never coming back._

_She had locked all of the doors leading outside, and all the windows too. I was only five, so I didn't know how to use the phone, and I sure as hell didn't have the strength to bash the doors and windows in._

_So I waited._

_The days meshed together, and soon enough I was no longer able to eat anything. The nausea that came with not eating anything was so bad that I often gagged when drinking water, worried that I was gonna puke._

_When it neared 3 weeks, and I could barely move anymore, lying comatose by the front door, waiting for something that was never going to happen, I thought I was gonna die._

_When Bookman suddenly unlocked the door, nearly bashing my head in as he opened the door, I could only burst into tears at how glad I was to see him._

_I will never forget the look he gave me when he saw me._

_And, weirdly enough, he gave me the same look when I broke down at the dining room table._

_It was a look filled with regret._

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

The car radio scarcely registered in Lavi's brain as he and Bookman drove to his new home, the wind from outside streaming through the open windows.

The beautiful Kent countryside passed them by as they drove down the single laned road, the smell of fresh grass refreshing compared to the smell of the town they had left earlier that day.

Lavi would have given anything to be back at home though, no matter how much he liked the countryside.

It took them a further half an hour, atop the two hours they had spent in the car prior to that, before they reached their destination.

It was a small village, with at best 50 or so houses as well as a large hall and a small church. The roads were well kept, and there were flowers blooming wherever Lavi looked. They passed through the village until they reached a large detached house, which was a five minute walk from the next house.

It wasn't that big, but was well built and surrounded by fields, a large oak tree shielding the house from the rays of the sun. It was whitewashed with dark wooden foundations, the front door painted a deep navy colour. There were hanging baskets either side of the front door and, standing on one of the steps leading up to the house, was a teenage boy.

He had shoulder length hair that was a reddish brown in colour, tied back in a loose ponytail. The boy was slim, almost as slim as Lavi, and was dressed in a simple shirt and ¾ length denim jeans. The trainers on his feet were worn and covered in mud, the laces loose and trailing on the floor slightly.

When they pulled into the drive-way, the gravel beneath the car's tyres grating against the rubber, the teen looked in their direction, sharply turning his head.

His eyes were a mottled combination of a light metallic blue and a stormy silver that reminded Lavi of winter thunderstorms. The brunette opened the front door and called for someone, giving the car a slightly apprehensive look.

Just as Bookman and Lavi were getting out of the car, shutting the doors behind them, two men stepped out of the house. Both of them had tanned skin and dark brunette hair, though one of them had very long hair tied in a ponytail and the other had short spiky hair.

"It's been a long time, old man!" the man with short spiky hair called, stepping forwards and shaking Bookman's hand eagerly.

"It has indeed, Neah," Bookman answered, giving the young man a small smile. He turned towards those standing at the front door. "How have you been, Mana and Allen?"

"We've been good," Mana answered, giving Allen an affectionate ruffling of the hair, ignoring the teen's quiet protests. Allen broke free of Mana's grasp then gave Bookman a polite smile before entering the house.

"Let's go in, hmm?" Neah asked with a laugh, shaking his head a little. Bookman nodded and followed the man inside, with Lavi close behind him. Mana shut the door behind himself, giving Lavi a friendly smile when the red head turned around to look at him. Lavi didn't return the smile, simply turning back around and sighing quietly.

He didn't like this. Not one bit.

The five of them walked down the short corridor, which was decorated with plain white wallpaper and many framed photographs. They passed two doors on either side of them before Neah walked through the last door on the right. It led to a traditionally decorated kitchen with wooden counters, a large dining table with six chairs around it, a washing machine in one corner, and a large black oven situated beside a fridge-freezer, which was humming quietly in the background.

Allen was standing in front of one of the counters, making himself a sandwich. He didn't look up as they entered the room and all sat down at the table.

"Bookman's told us a bit about you and what's going on," Neah said, leaning back in his chair. "Your name is Lavi?"

Lavi didn't answer, simply nodding and looking off in the other direction.

"We are more than happy to have you here for as long as you need to be here," Mana stated quietly, noticing the discomfort evident on Lavi's face. "If it is clear that we are not helping you, we will send you back home. But, if we can help, you can stay for as long as it takes. I used to be a teacher, so I can keep you somewhat up-to-date with your studies."

"We also can't force you to cooperate, nor want to spend time with us," Neah added. "There's a spare room down the hall with a computer, internet access, a phone, and plenty of books. If you want you can just stay in that room. We expect you to help with chores and stuff, but for the most part we don't expect much of you; we're not tyrants."

Both Mana and Neah stopped speaking. Lavi looked down at his lap, thinking things through in his head.

Suddenly, the sound of a vibrating phone interrupted the silence. Bookman stood up, murmured a quiet apology, then left the room. After a minute or two he came back.

"I'm needed at work," Bookman said, putting his phone back in his pocket. He turned towards Lavi. "Go get your stuff out the car."

Getting up, flinching a little at the sharp screech his chair made on the flagstones beneath him, Lavi followed Bookman out of the kitchen and down the hall, leaving the house by the front door. The wind outside was refreshing, and Lavi wished he didn't have to go back inside.

"I'll check-up on you regularly, and phone every week," Bookman stated, unlocking his car. "Behave yourself; Mana and Neah are only doing this because they owe me a few favours. Don't push your luck."

"I didn't ask to be here," Lavi grumbled, opening the boot and taking out his suitcase and a backpack.

Bookman gave Lavi a sharp glare at his words before closing the boot and getting in the car. He didn't say goodbye, driving away with a crunch of tyres against gravel. Lavi stood in the driveway for a while, staring at the road beyond. Then, sighing and hoisting his backpack over his shoulder, Lavi headed back into the house and shut the front door behind him, wishing he was anywhere else.

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**That's the end of chapter 1. I hope you liked it, please review, and the next chapter will be up at some point soon.**

**Thanks for reading :)**

**xrowa-chanx**


	2. Chapter 2

Hey everyone ~ Sorry for not updating very quickly; I've been so busy lately and work is leaving me so tired and exhausted, it's unbelievable =_= And I got my results on Thursday, and really didn't do as well as I was expecting. So I have decided that my only talent is writing stories *sighs*

Thank you to Geeres, kh07gl, Kiari Walker, DGrayManFanatic, bakaxusagi, Aariah, Crazedyaoifangirl, wolfeclipse25, You Still Love Me, LightMyBulb, Jet Classics, Himeko14X, Death-Sama01, bunnyluvdeath, zoffia, Shippo704, and 3LittleRedBird3 for reviewing/favouriting/subscribing! *heart*

By the way, for those who are curious where the whole 'based from experience' thing comes from, I have the same eating issues that Lavi does; emetophobia (fear of vomit/vomiting) and cibophobia (fear of food/catching illnesses from food). It really isn't nice, not at all =_=

But anyway, on with the story ~ Enjoy!

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_Leave me alone, it's nothing serious_

_I'll do it myself_

_It's got nothing to do with you_

_And there's nothing that you could do_

Muse - Cave

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What Makes Us Human

The house was awfully quiet when Lavi went back inside, begrudgingly bringing his luggage into his new home. He left his suitcase and bag in the hallway and went into the kitchen again, noticing that all conversation stopped when he did so.

"Where am I puttin' my stuff?" Lavi asked, looking down at the floor instead of meeting the eyes of Neah and Mana. Allen didn't even look up, ignoring him completely.

"You can have the spare room, which is the first room on the right when you enter the house," Mana replied, smiling a little nervously now that Bookman was gone. "It's all set up for you."

Mumbling a thank you as he left the kitchen, Lavi walked to the end of the hallway and entered the last room on the left. It was a reasonably big bedroom, with a single bed in the far right hand corner, a window on the wall to Lavi's right, a small table beside it, a bookshelf opposite the bed with a small television on it, with a wardrobe next to it, and a desk near the door with a computer and printer. The room was still spacious though, and was decorated in the same white and wood-panelled fashion as the rest of the house.

Lavi sighed and put his belongings onto the bed, sinking down on the dark brown sheets and lying back, staring up at the ceiling thoughtfully.

After a while, when he was starting to feel bored, Lavi unpacked his things and put them inside the wardrobe, though it reminded him painfully that he wasn't going home for a while. By the time Lavi finished it was nearly 5 pm, the numbers glowing a bright red on the digital clock on his bedside table.

Just as Lavi sat back down on the bed, fiddling with the hem of his shirt awkwardly, someone knocked on the door.

"Come in..."

The door opened to reveal Allen, now with his hair untied and loose around his shoulders. The teen did not meet Lavi's gaze, instead looking slightly to the side as if he was staring out the window.

"You need to help with dinner," Allen stated bluntly, sounding oddly annoyed and aggravated. "Choices are preparing vegetables or washing up afterwards."

And, with that, Allen left the room, shutting the door behind him a little too loudly for Lavi's liking.

Lavi blinked a few times, frowning. He had no idea what issue Allen had with him, since they had scarcely just met and hadn't even engaged in conversation, and it annoyed him a little. Lavi already didn't want to be there, and would much rather be at home with Bookman.

He didn't need hostility in a house full of strangers.

Sighing and grumbling under his breath, Lavi got up and left the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. He walked into the kitchen and noticed that Allen was getting items of food out of the fridge; peppers, mushrooms, onions, and mince. Lavi stood somewhat awkwardly in the kitchen doorway before stepping forwards.

"What do ya want me to do?" Lavi asked, wincing a little as Allen slammed a jar of pasta sauce onto the kitchen counter. Allen didn't look up, getting a packet of spaghetti out from a cupboard by his head.

"Peel the onions, and chop the peppers and mushrooms up," Allen explained. "Breadboards are beside the fridge, and the knives are kept in a draw by the oven."

Lavi nodded and, somewhat hesitantly, got out a breadboard and sharp knife and began to prep the vegetables for dinner.

"Look," Lavi said, picking up a handful of peppers and dropping it into a large black pot. "I ain't the type of guy to sit there and wonder why people are pissed off with me. Tell me straight what your beef is, will ya?"

"I don't have any problems with you," Allen replied stiffly, stirring the mince that he was cooking in another pan with a wooden spoon. "I just don't see why Neah and Dad have to put up with you, when all you're going to do is cause them trouble."

"Did I ask to be here?" Lavi countered sharply, chopping an onion in half a little too violently. "I was _forced_ to come here by Gramps. I don't wanna be here anymore than you want me to be here."

"Then here's some advice," Allen snapped, slamming the spoon in his hands down on the oven and turning towards Lavi with a vehement glare. "They deal with enough shit. They don't need you making things harder for them."

"I don't want to make things harder for them!" Lavi argued, stabbing his knife into the breadboard and taking a step towards Allen, eyes narrowed. "They seem like nice guys. You think I wanna get them involved in this? Fuck no! So take your own advice asshole, and don't make things harder for me either."

Lavi picked his knife back up again and resumed chopping the vegetables, roughly dropping them into the pot and making sure they were all the same size. Allen said and did nothing for a while then, with a small smile, Allen went back to stirring the mince.

"I didn't mean to snap at you, I'm sorry," Allen murmured after a while. "I was only told about this an hour or two before you got here; I've been away all week."

Lavi didn't reply for a while then, when he had finished with the vegetables, Lavi put the knife and breadboard in the sink and turned towards Allen with a grin.

"It's cool. Guess we just got off on the wrong foot, huh," Lavi replied, leaning against the counter. "Ne Allen, how old are you?"

"14, nearly 15," Allen answered, taking the mince off of the hob to cool it down. "And yourself?"

"I'm 17. You don't look that young, ya know; I thought you were my age."

"I'll take that as a compliment. So, where do you live then?"

And so it carried on. Whilst dinner cooked, with the vegetables and mince being put in one pot with pasta sauce, Allen and Lavi sat down at the table and talked, asking about each other's lives.

Lavi learnt that Allen was adopted, having been abandoned as a young child by his real parents. He lived in an orphanage until he was 7, until Mana came round one snowy Christmas Day and took him in. Neah started living with them when Allen was 12, because Neah had a bad divorce with his wife and needed somewhere to stay.

Mana and Neah were brothers, so Mana was more than happy to help Neah out. But, even when everything was sorted, Neah never moved out, becoming a permanent member of Allen's family.

Lavi also found out that Allen was home-tutored by Mana and was quite an adept pianist, nearing grade 6 in his lessons; Neah had taught him since he first started living with Allen. He also liked cats, and had one called Timcampy; a stripy orange tabby with a fondness for sandwiches. Allen liked a wide range of music, ranging from rock to pop to classical to k-pop, which instantly got the two of them into an excited chat about SHINee and Big Bang.

But, when Allen started to explain why things were so hard at home, dinner was nearly ready and Allen stopped speaking the instant Mana and Neah entered the room.

"I can see the two of you are getting along nicely," Mana said with a smile, getting out bowls and cutlery and placing them on the dinner table.

"We've... put aside our differences," Allen replied, making Lavi hide a quiet chuckle behind his hand.

"Good," Neah muttered, walking into the kitchen and stretching as he sat down at the table. "If you two didn't sort yourselves out, I was gonna shove your heads together and make you."

"Well that sure is a nice way of making people get on..." Lavi said with a nervous smile, making a note of Neah's sadistic side.

Neah simply grinned menacingly in reply, to which Allen light-heartedly kicked him under the table for, telling him off for scaring Lavi on his first day of being with them. While the two of them continued to banter, Mana served up dinner into 3 bowls but stopped before filling a fourth one.

"Lavi, would you like to serve your own up?" Mana asked, holding a bowl out to Lavi with a kind smile. Lavi blinked a few times, surprised.

"Is... is that a good idea?" Lavi stammered, frowning a little in confusion. Mana nodded, forcing the bowl into Lavi's hands and gently pulling him forwards.

"That way you can eat what you're comfortable with, hmm?" Mana said quietly, handing Lavi a ladle for the bolognaise.

Lavi did nothing for a long time, simply standing and staring at the bolognaise with a somewhat apprehensive expression. He was so used to Bookman forcing him to eat normal amounts, regardless of how Lavi felt, so to be given the option to eat as much as he wanted to was odd.

Carefully, making sure not to spill any, Lavi placed two spoonfuls of bolognaise and one handful of spaghetti into his bowl. He didn't feel like he couldn't eat that much, though he was eating far less than the other people at the table.

Lavi sat down beside Allen, noticing that the brunette was giving him a warm smile. Returning said smile as he started to eat, Lavi felt more comfortable eating than he had done in a while. He was unable to finish all of his food, having to leave at least a quarter of it, but Mana simply smiled and emptied the bowl's contents into the bin, placing the bowl in the sink.

"I'll show you around while those two wash up," Allen said, grabbing hold of Lavi's arm and pulling him out of the kitchen just as Mana and Neah started to playfully attack each other with Fairy Liquid.

Allen showed Lavi the rest of the house with a quiet calm voice; opposite the kitchen was the living room, the first two doors on either side were Mana and Neah's rooms, with Mana's on the left hand side and Neah's on the right, and Allen's bedroom was opposite Lavi's. Beyond the living room was a bathroom, complete with a toilet, sink, shower, and large medicine cabinet. Outside, a relatively large garden with lots of flower beds and a vegetable patch seemed to glow in the dying sunlight, the setting sun making everything turn golden.

When Allen had showed Lavi the whole house, the two of them sat outside on the front doorstep, a light breeze making their hair drift in front of their faces, meaning they had to forever keep swiping strands of hair out of their eyes.

"So earlier, you were gonna say why things were hard?" Lavi asked, leaning back against the front door whilst looking at Allen from the corners of his eyes. Allen stiffened a little before he sighed and leant back also, fiddling with the cuffs on his shirt.

"Well," Allen began, voice quiet. "The reason why Dad and Neah have experience with people with eating disorders is because... well, Dad adopted someone else as well as me..."

Lavi perked up at that, sitting up and looking at Allen curiously, silently urging him to continue. Allen did not meet Lavi's gaze, looking down at his lap with a sombre expression.

"Her name was Lenalee," Allen murmured quietly, smiling sadly. "She was a lovely girl, and really pretty too; she had the longest hair I'd ever seen. She took care of me at the orphanage, and I was so happy we got to go home together. Dad adored her too..."

"What happened?" Lavi asked gently, frowning a little.

"She got really sick when we were 9," Allen explained, clenching his fists. "She... she threw up a lot and she never got over it. She got really scared about being sick, and ended up not eating and going to hospital. She... she died three or so years ago..."

Lavi didn't say anything, a weight settling in his stomach. Allen sighed, unclenching his fists and looking up at the sky.

"That's what I meant by causing more trouble. We've already gone through this once, and we failed to help or do anything. I don't think me or Dad can go through something like that again."

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

_When Allen told me about Lenalee, I didn't quite know what to think or say._

_It made me feel sick just thinking about it. While all this has been going on, I haven't actually thrown up or been ill at all, thank God. But that's the point, ain't it?_

_I haven't been sick yet, but I will do at some point. And I ain't afraid to say that that scares me shitless._

_I feel so sorry for the two of them, 'cause I'm gonna be a pain in the arse for them and that Neah guy. I don't wanna remind them of the past, and I don't want them to feel responsible if I fail and stop eating when I finally throw up._

_It's fucking awful - I feel duty bound to get better now, otherwise the guilt of hurting these people will tear me apart. They seem nice, especially Allen. I feel like I can trust him, and I'm kinda glad the kid has a backbone. I hate wimpy people, and he kinda reminds me of Yuu in the way he won't take shit from no-one._

_But what if I freak out when I'm sick and refuse to eat? I don't wanna remind him of Lenalee and upset him, or worry him that I'll end up in hospital._

_... To be honest, I don't think I will be able to eat after throwing up. Which is even worse, 'cause it's kinda inevitable that I'm gonna end up in hospital one day._

_I just hope I get better before then... But it's never a good idea to think like that. I tried it before my exams started, and it only made me feel worse because I wasn't better by then. The stress and pressure got to me real bad, and I can feel the same pressure here..._

_That pressure to try harder..._

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

That night Lavi went to sleep in his new room, curled up under the chocolate brown sheets as he tried to sleep. He started feeling sick a few hours after he had eaten, and ended up being awake until midnight, hands wrapped tightly around himself to try and ignore the stomach churning nausea in the pit of his stomach.

But, for once, the red head managed to fall asleep and get at least 6 hours sleep; much better than he had been at home. When Lavi woke up at 6 that morning, he blinked in confusion at how _well-rested_ he felt. In a way it felt lovely, to actually feel like he had slept enough and be able to go through the day without wanting to sleep. But, on the other hand, Lavi was unused to getting so much sleep. So, when he got up and padded into the kitchen, yawning sleepily, he felt lethargic and exhausted despite all the sleep he got.

If he were to feel better when he woke up, he was going to need more sleep on a continuous basis.

The flagstones of the kitchen floor were freezing cold, and Lavi wished he had put some socks on before entering the room barefoot. But, because he was too lazy to go back to his room for socks, Lavi chose to get himself a glass of milk, eventually finding a glass amongst all the cupboards in the room. The milk was pleasantly cold and woke Lavi up a little as he sat at the dining room table, gazing around the brightening room thoughtfully.

It was strange, the feelings he felt inside of him. For a long time Lavi had only really felt hopelessness and a fading faith in himself, but now he actually felt some dim determination to get better. He _wanted_ to try, and not just because he felt guilty about being a reminder of someone passed.

He wanted to try because he was tired of being a failure.

To Bookman it must have seemed like he didn't try, opting to eat virtually nothing so he felt better than if he ate properly, which Bookman still forced him to do, making him feel unbearably sick before sleeping.

To Lavi's friends, it must have seemed less serious than it was, at least to everyone but Kanda. But, even then, Kanda showed no outward signs of worry, which didn't help Lavi to feel like all the pain and effort was worth it.

But now, because Lavi knew Allen and his family actually seemed to care and would try to help, he wanted to try for _them_. He didn't want to disappoint them, and possibly upset them if he fell ill and ended up not eating. Lavi wanted to get better so that they could move on from their own suffering, because surely helping Lavi get better would be closure for them over Lenalee.

So, as Lavi sat there and finished his milk, he smiled into his glass and decided, then and there, that he was going to stop opting for the easier options. He _would_ try harder, even if it was difficult and would make him want to give up.

"You're up early."

Suddenly standing in the doorway of the kitchen, clothed in a thick black dressing gown, was Neah, giving him a friendly smile. Lavi returned said smile, moving aside slightly so Neah could get to the counter behind him. The smell of tea bags and coffee felt like home to Lavi, since Bookman was addicted to both drinks, and it made Lavi feel a little homesick as he sat and held his empty glass in his hands, staring down at the table.

Neah soon made himself a cup of tea, sitting down next to Lavi and leaning back in his chair, yawning as he did so.

"Well, how're you settling in then?" Neah asked, taking a sip from his cup despite how hot his drink was. "Still wishing you were back home?"

"I like it here; I just wish I'd been given a choice," Lavi replied with an awkward smile. "Kinda hate being forced into things."

"I understand, don't worry. Allen was so pissed off when he heard you were coming," Neah stated, chuckling. "Seems he's getting used to the idea of you being here though."

"He's a nice kid," Lavi said with a smile, leaning back in his chair and stretching. "I'm sure we'll get on fine soon enough."

"I'm sure you will," Neah replied, sounding amused.

The two of them sat in silence for a while, the room slowly brightening as the sun rose. After a few minutes or so Lavi got up, murmuring that he was going to get dressed. Neah nodded, and Lavi missed the curious narrowed-eyed look Neah gave him as he left the room.

Upon entering his room Lavi opened his wardrobe, taking out a plain black shirt and red skinny jeans, as well as a warm pair of socks. Getting dressed whilst lying on the bed behind him, struggling to put his skinnies on despite his loss in weight, Lavi was eventually ready, fluffing his hair up a little and rubbing sleep out of his eyes as he opened the curtains and made his bed.

Soon enough the room was tidy, and Lavi wondered briefly why he was being so neat and tidy when his room back home was filthily messy. Shrugging, and putting it down to being in someone else's house, Lavi left the room and headed into the living room.

There he found Allen and Mana watching the morning news, Allen dressed in pyjamas and Mana dressed in a white shirt and smart suit trousers. They both looked up and gave Lavi a smile when he entered the room, though Mana seemed a little dubious about Lavi's choice of clothing.

Sitting down beside Allen, bringing his legs up and resting his feet on the edge of the couch, Lavi watched the news with a somewhat bored expression, though he had to go through the same thing back home with Bookman so he was used to it.

Eventually, when the news was just about finishing, a phone started to ring from the hallway somewhere, and Lavi turned his head to see Neah leave the kitchen to answer it. After a few minutes Neah entered the room, grinning widely and looking as if he wanted to start jumping for joy.

"What is it, Neah?" Allen asked curiously. "Who was on the phone?"

"It was Bak; he said we've got the cottage!" Neah replied, grinning even more widely as he spoke. "We can finally go on holiday!"

Allen cheered and Mana gave a pleased smile, the both of them looking very happy about Neah's news. Lavi sat somewhat awkwardly at the end of the couch, feeling left out and cut off from the other three. He wasn't part of their family, and a dim burning feeling of jealousy sat in the pit of Lavi's stomach.

He had never really had a family, and Bookman wasn't the sort to go out on holidays and actually act like he was even related to Lavi in the slightest.

When Mana and Neah started talking about preparations and when they could leave, Allen turned back towards Lavi and gave him an apologetic smile.

"Sorry Lavi," he began. "We've been waiting for our friend Bak Chan to lend us this cottage for ages, so..."

"It's fine," Lavi replied, giving Allen a small smile that felt fake, despite the sincerity that he felt. "You don't have to apologise."

Allen was silent for a while, looking back at the TV with mixed emotions. Then Allen smiled and turned towards Mana and Neah.

"Hey, can we bring Lavi?"

Mana and Neah fell silent, and Lavi looked at Allen somewhat incredulously. Then Mana nodded, smiling warmly.

"Of course we can," Mana answered. "If you want to of course, Lavi."

"But... are you sure?" Lavi asked, sounding surprised. "You barely know me. I can go back home for a bit while you go away..."

"C'mon, it'll be a good chance to get to know you," Neah said with a grin. "And the other way around, of course. Plus the Welsh air will be good for you."

"Welsh?" Lavi echoed, frowning in confusion. Allen laughed at his expression.

"The cottage is in the north west of Wales," Allen explained, sounding amused. "It's near the Isle of Anglesey."

Lavi just nodded, having no idea where that was; History he was good at, but Geography was definitely not his forte.

"So... do you want to come with us?" Allen asked, giving Lavi a warm smile, elbowing him lightly. "It'll be fun!"

Lavi found himself unable to say no to the bright silver eyes that met his own, and he somewhat reluctantly and awkwardly agreed to go on holiday with three semi-strangers that he'd only met the day before.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

_Ya know, a part of me was so happy they asked me to come with them._

_I've never had a proper family, even when I was little. In fact, I don't remember going on a single family holiday in my entire life. Ain't that cheery._

_So it was nice that they want me to come, 'cause now I'll be able to at least feel like I belong somewhere for a little while. The three of them honestly seem like nice people, and with some time I think I may really start to like them._

_God damn Allen and his puppy dog eyes though._

_But, at the same time, I'm unsure about this. I know going somewhere completely different and having some light-hearted holiday fun will probably help. But I can't shake off this pressure to get better, and I don't wanna ruin their holiday if I feel sick._

_They barely know me, yet they're being so nice to me. I don't really know how to handle that._

_But ya know, they're giving me a free holiday so I can't really complain._

_I can't get my head around Allen though. He seems so nice, yet he argued with me like Yuu on a PMS day. He seems kinda naïve at times, but then he surprises me by acting much older than his age. He's such a weird guy!_

_Doesn't help I have a thing for brunettes either. Also doesn't help that I like people who are like Allen, all fiery and passionate one minute then mellow the next._

_Ah well, I can't really indulge in such thoughts when I only met him yesterday. That's just a little bit weird. Just a little bit..._

**/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /**

And that's the end of chapter 2 ~ I'll try and get the next one out soon, but things are really hectic right now - I have to choose what subjects I'm retaking, and if I'm gonna drop any of my subjects. And I have until Monday to choose =_= So yeah, really stressed! Doesn't help my eating thing's getting pretty bad again... *coughs* Never mind :L

Much love,

xrowa-chanx


End file.
